A poem I wrote in High School -2005-

My courageous attempts at reconciliation

with myself have failed

advising others on life and love

is where I’ve excelled

The deranged intensity of my devastated crys,

puts my mind at ease

The suffering that provides my comfort

also brings me brutally to my knees

My giggle innocent exterior, expected and consistent,

no one knows its fake

It keeps hope alive in those around me

For them, I can’t allow myself to break.

Conquered by love, torchure plagues me

Internally, yet I die slow

While consistent suffering eats away at my soul,

I’m determined not to let it show

The fate of my loved ones,

Depends on me being strong

I can handle this kind of pressure

but for how long?

I understand that living in denial

Is no way to live

Giving all of myself is wrong

when none of its left to give

How can I guide others

when I insist on putting myself last

but when emotionally involved,

I fall hard, and fall fast.

So far now I’ll continue doing what I have been,

Until Im successful in my task

Giving hope to those without

and helping those afraid to ask

Hi Old Friend

Today I saw an old friend from my past.
She barely stopped,
she was moving so fast.
Hurrying and shushing
and looking quite flushed.
The frazzled kind,
not contoured with blush.
I had to double take
her brows in a frown.
Her clothes mis-matched,
her hair in a crown.
She carried herself differently
tired and raw.
A beauty that shines
more visibly before.
She swayed side to side
a baby on her hip
she stared in the distance
chewing her lip.
I decided to approach
and reconnect with this girl.
To reminder her that she
was conquering the world.
She told me her life
had completely changed.
That the pieces of her
had been rearranged.
Pieces left for months
on the floor
so it took her a while
to feel whole once more.
Then she said, “I get it now,
this is who I’m meant to be”,
and I actually believed her
as she stared back at me.
She was tired yet knowing.
A world of content.
In a place so new
for where she was meant.
I took a deep breath
as I left our embrace,
from the girl in the mirror
with a smile on my face.

Wrapped in Love

Dear Oliver,

You woke up screaming this morning. Usually throwing you on the boob will settle you instantly, but NOPE. Now I’m fully awake trying to see what is wrong. Your diaper leaked and you were soaked. That must be it. After getting your wet clothes off… usually that will calm you… but NOPE! “Shhhh, Oliver, it’s ok little man, it’s ok, shhhh.” I’m repeating this over and over while I change your diaper. Why are you still crying? These things usually work. I’m working at a faster pace now, Cody is now awake and all 3 of us are feeling frustrated for different reasons. I lay you against your dad to try and warm you back up now that you are changed and cleaned up. You are still upset, but the crying isn’t as intense. I crawl into bed on the other side of you and your dad and I get you to calm down with some loving shushes and you finally start to nurse. You fall asleep, nuzzled between mom and dad, holding both of our hands, content. Baby boy, our life together will have wins and it will have challenges, but you will always be wrapped in our LOVE.

Spilled Coffee

We were late leaving Saturday morning for our trip. Surprisingly, it wasn’t because of Oliver or poor planning, it was because of Eva. Instead of us leaving on time with excitement, we left 30 min late, me crying and Cody being pissed… oh and our apartment stairs being covered in Cody’s coffee. We have had Eva for almost 6 years (she’s almost 9! crazy!) and she has been a mamma’s girl since the beginning. She never leaves my side and has always been very attentive to my needs. When I got pregnant, I read a lot of woman say that unfortunately when your kids are born, its just different and the pets come 2nd. I told myself, “ABSOLUTELY NOT, THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!” Maybe it was the added hormones, but I even cried a few times hugging her and promising her it wouldn’t be different. Well, Oliver is here and I try… I TRY SO HARD. When it’s time for a diaper change, or a feeding, or me sleeping… sometimes she just has to come 2nd. She’s never forgotten, it’s just as so many moms before me said… its just different. She LOVES Oliver, but she also seems different.. more melancholy perhaps? When its time to go for a walk, she gets extra excited and wants to stay out longer than usual, and she pulls when we go for walks more than ever. If she thinks we are going to leave the house and leave her behind, she wont listen at all and sits by the door and tries to run out (which she has never done before) and when she realizes we are taking her with us SHE IS OVERJOYED…. on Saturday, this happened. We were packing up and she was so antsy, as if she was afraid we were going to leave her behind. As it was time to load up, she wouldn’t stop pulling her leash and freaking out and pulled so hard, Cody dropped everything on the stairs and spilled coffee everywhere. In the moment, we were so annoyed and mad. As he’s in the house making more coffee, I started to really tear up. She was cooped up due to Covid, she had to adjust to the new changes, she is patient when Oliver gets most of time… she’s also a dog.. so communication just isn’t the same haha. BUT, I felt all the guilt just rush through me for being so angry with her as I really stopped and thought about her behavior the last 16 weeks and all the times I cut her walks short or I was annoyed with her. I broke my promise to her, but as Oliver gets easier, I’m committing to more 1 on 1 time and longer walks. Cody and I chatted about it afterwards, and we are so grateful for such a sweet dog and that she is so protective over him. To any other mamma’s pregnant with your first, Im so sorry that it will be different, but be patient with them as they go through such a big change too!

My Vow To You

I promise to teach you to be kind.
I promise to listen to you.
I promise to support you, encourage you, and guide you.
I promise you a fresh start each day.
I promise to teach you, comfort you, remind you to be humble, and let you be your own person.
I promise you my presence, patience, and unconditional love always.

Motherhood is hard

Motherhood is hard.

It’s not a secret, but no one tells you that the hardest part about being a mom has little to do with your child at all. It’s the other aspects to your new title. Balancing your work, maintaining your relationships, navigating your hormones, learning to live with your postpartum body, battling with your anxieties, working through your guilt, agonizing over parenting decisions or missteps, operating on little sleep, plus keeping this little person safe all while trying to figure out who you are now after this monumental identity shift. Not to mention the isolation that tends to creep in when you least expect it. Those are the hard parts. It’s not your kid. It’s you. Managing yourself, this new you, that is the part that takes the work. I am learning and evolving every day.

I have days when I kill it and days when it nearly kills me. When I say motherhood is hard, it is. Loving my baby and being his mom is not. That’s the easy part.

No positivity here

I will never see the sun rise, I will never see it set,
I will never feel a kind touch, I will never be a pet,
I will never feel love, For I will not be loved,
As I’m led to my murder, Being prodded, poked and shoved.

As they cut my tender skin, I wondered who would care,
If anybody out there, Would consider my despair.

For you did not see me die, And you did not see me bleed,
You did not hear me cry, For the meat that you don’t need.

You did not watch them kill me, You could not feel my pain,
You will try not to think of me,As you blindly eat again.

I was the cow you ate on Monday, The pig you had midweek,
I was the turkey for your Christmas, I was the calf you liked to eat.

I was the chicken in your sandwich, The duck you had for tea,
I felt pain beyond belief, But you never thought of me.

Because thinking can be painful, And you refuse to see,
That for every time you eat meat, Those animals must bleed.

The cow was killed for Monday, The pig was scolded too,
The turkey lived for 16 weeks, And the calf had died for you.

The chicken lived inside a cage, The duck could hardly move,
And all of this suffering, Occurred for so called food.

I fail to see a reason, As there is no need,
When humans eat my meat, It is purely for their greed.

You may think you’re above me, That you have advantage,
But a kind, innocent creature, Is better than a savage.

So next time you’re out shopping, Try to feel some guilt,
For those animals have died, for your eggs, your meat and milk.

My heroes are those people, Who will not bite into me,
So I ask a simple favour, And please stop eating meat.

I’m asking for the cows, The pigs and all the sheep,
I’m asking for the birds, Who are more than just some meat.

They can’t speak themselves, So please lets be their voice,
Every one born into this, For them there was no choice.

For you did not see me die, And you did not see me bleed,
You did not hear me cry, For the meat that you don’t need.

Brain Overload

Ok, so its only been 2ish weeks since I have made the life style change to be Vegan. I’m listening, reading and watching everything I can find.

MY BRAIN WONT TAKE A BREATHER.

I’m learning so many things that just make my heart hurt. I’m questioning my beliefs and changing my whole thought process on so many things. It’s not that I feel confused per say… its all coming from love and positivity and I’m firm on saying that I want to feel and BE healthy. Originally the decision was just based on that.. health. BUT.. now I’m seeing all of these tragic and heart breaking things about animal cruelty and I’m over here now like.. “WHHYYYY” Why was I not supportive to vegan friends in the past, why did I think it was extreme, why did I not just check it out years and years ago just to learn, why are so many people ignorant on the subject (me included), why are so many companies all about the money and blind to what they are doing to the earth and all the animals, why why why why why I COULD KEEP GOING. This is my brain every day X 1000.

I use to be all about the McDonalds (maybe more secretly cause who wants to admit they are a lil fatty haha). I would crave cheese burgers and yet I pass it now and I just think about all the animals that are murdered to make the food. To anyone who has known me a long time, you’re surprised as me that I’ve made this change. I put cheese on everything!

I don’t have too many coherent thoughts on this subject just yet. Right now, I’m focusing on educating myself more and finding yummy new recipes.

Update on how its going so far…  great. 🙂 I feel good when being intentional about what I use, wear and eat. I’ve been hugging my pets tighter and I now have new and exciting conversations to have with my boyfriend and close friends! I’m connecting with people all over the world who share the same passion and thats pretty neat! (We had a fridge full of coffee creamer and lots of Tuna though before I made this decision so to not be wasteful, I am trying to finish those off!)

My journey is just starting though!

Ways to Appreciate

Here’s just another holiday post.. you have probably been reading a lot of them! Family and friends talking about how much they love this time of year, presents and TIME OFF is filling your news feed and office! haha

Well, I LOVE this time of year. It’s my favorite holiday to get crafty and make Christmas Cards, decor and presents! Do I like to sit down for hours and “make” the cards… well thats not my faaaavorite part. (and is it just me, or is this time of year just extra busy?) It’s the time it takes and the gifting cards to people that makes the time worth it. My love language is time and there is just so many people in my life that I have no idea how to show them how much I freakin’ love them. So I glue some paper together and “here you go friend” haha.

The moment they are handed a card, there is a split second of just “awww” and gratefulness that makes me feel so good! I chase that feeling! I love to share it too. If people buy cards from me to give to a loved one, they feel all the feels too of someone getting a handmade card/gift made just for them!

Heres my post to encourage all you folks out there… even the grinch loves something homemade. Channel your inner craftiness and reap the rewards of taking the time to show your appreciation for someone vs only buying them something off of Amazon shipped to their door! (hey, not saying you shouldn’t buy something off of Amazon! haha)

Merry Christmas ❤

 

Pivot Point

The last 10 years has been about searching, learning, failing and growing….

When I hit the 18 mark, I had said to myself “I’m officially an adult, I need to adult and have my shit together as quick as possible”. Well, I don’t know any 18 year old who has all of their shit together haha…  So of course… the next 10 years happened (time has a way of doing that!) and now here I am… looking back at my life and taking a good evaluation.

Married. Divorced. Moved a lot. Traveled a lot. Had terrible jobs and great jobs. Met amazing people. Experienced and saw terrible things. Those are some large (very broad) impactful things that changed the direction of my life multiple times. I would have never described myself as lost though. I always weighed decisions with pro’s and con’s and it was always in search of self happiness and love. I would say that nothing ever “stuck” though or was completely fulfilling. I would find something that made me so incredibly happy, yet I would end up quitting eventually and moving on from it. I would even become obsessed with things, good and healthy things, but I still stopped. I hated how I felt for quitting or not continuing the habit or lifestyle. (this is all related to health)

None of that is really the point though, just more of a background to this pivotal point in my life recently. The last 6 months (at least), I have really been struggling with my weight, healthy eating habits, and just all around taking care of myself. Like… I KNOW I should wash my make up off before bed, I would tell myself, “Amanda, it will take you a few minutes and you know you don’t want to risk breaking out” —— “Amanda, why the hell are you in bed playing on your phone… why didn’t you just wash your face, ugh you suck so hard” (I say a lot more swear words to myself haha but trying to keep this PG.) This is a tiny example, I could make hundreds more. Nothing was motivating me? I tried to constantly figure it out.

Self motivation did not work for me. Telling my inner conscious that I love myself did not do it either. Seeing healthy happy people with their shit together made me jealous… but that didn’t work as well! I looked at all aspects of my life to have a reason to blame it all on. I have an AMAZING job, the most incredible, loving and supportive boyfriend, pets that I adore, blessed with a home and car and I could keep going blah blah, I love my life, ok? haha. But apparently, I don’t love myself enough to put me first. I don’t want to be unhealthy, yet I can make sure the boyfriend takes his vitamins? what the fuck.

Any who, back to the self motivation part. I’ve had a lot of conversations the last month or so that have stuck with me related to the life style choice of having a plant based diet/being vegan. It was always so extreme to me. I come from a family who owned a restaurant in a meat locker… sooooo running around seeing dead animals hung up was not abnormal. I lived at the Olympic Training Center and have been surrounded by olympic athletes for the last 10 years and I was told I needed meat and animal products in my diet to be healthy. I just, never questioned it. Yet, for some reason, the last few months have really been weighing on me so I decided to do some research for myself.

Im going to skip a huge part of the story because… I could go on and on for what I have learned, but I will just tell you how I am feeling.

This is going to STICK friends. I have never felt this passionate about anything related to my health or habits. I’ve never been so hungry for information and i’ve never been so self aware. PIVOT MOMENT. I decided to make the lifestyle change. I have been vegan for only week and holy crap do I feel amazing! (I’m sure more posts on that in the future). My view on “having my shit together” has changed and I think I am going into my 30’s with a new and improved mindset. Still thankful for the last 10 years and what it has taught me!

I just want to keep learning and become educated on the subject. Right now, I’m in the “holy crap, there is so much” stage and surrounded by all the guilty feelings of just being ignorant my whole life…but, I’ve never been more ok with not having my shit together ’cause I’m going in the right direction that feels right FOR ME.

Amanda

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